01-21-2025 ========== READING: the guardian article on baby foods LISTENING: WEBINAR(TM) - 波 religious views. 2 days ago, a sudden thought came to my mind. "If god were real and benevolent the world would be much better than it is. If god were real and evil the world would be much worse than it is" until then, i was constantly asking myself whether god was real. and if so, then whether he was good or evil. whenever i thought of what i liked, i believed god was kind and just too overwhelmed, akin to ahura mazda in zoroastrianism.. whenever i thought of the bad things happening in the world, or had something really disappointing happen to me, or even thought about the fictional anime idol boy character that hurt me, i came to believe that god was cruel and life is suffering, all pure nihilism. but for whatever reason, when these words came to my mind, they felt like my own. like if my own moment of revelation had happened. my views on religion have been very fluid over the years - my mom was a secular protestant christian, my dad catholic, i got interested on jehovah witnesses at 6 but never found out where they congregated nor wanted to give up video games, then i came out as an atheist (the reddit subtype) at 7 or 8, and was forced to do cathechism at 11 (let me tell you one thing: mass is INCREDIBLY boring). for the next few years, spiritual beliefs would be a non-issue. by the age of 12, i'd essentially just consider myself "irreligious", even if i was starting to slowly but surely crawl into spirituality thanks to a mix of waifuism/selfshipping, online christians in imageboards and a hyperfixation on conspiracy theories that i kept hidden from all but my closest online friends. at 13yo, i met this guy who was croatian, fervently catholic, he was a really chill guy but also knew he really was too old to be talking to me. i was still between atheist and irreligious, but it was the pandemic, i had not really thought deeply on what i was believing too much, but that started softening me back on spirituality, even if i wouldn't start taking it seriously until 2022, where for a little bit i was considering to read the bible and convert back to (non-denominational) christianity. needless to say i didn't go too far, the old testament really read too like fanfic for me (even if it was fun, that sure as hell isnt divine) and while the new testament's evangelion is a better text, i still read that one for literary completionism more than any desire to convert my then-agnosticism (yeah, i settled onto that by 2022 or so, i returned to believing there was a god for some reason, maybe the fact that saying "god" or referring to one is SO FREAKIN COMMON in both the spanish and english language, even among secular people... god dammit all). but i think the real push towards spirituality started in 2023, when i "came out" as fictionkin and then alterhuman (still fictkin to a degree, nonhumanity is another story). i remember telling a then friend of mine that i felt more "instinctual" or "primal" than a person was, which was insane. halfway through the year, after losing my first iteration of my parappa datahoard archive, i also decided to start getting into the occult, with me finding out about satanism, deciding to seriously get back into my old childhood interest of astrology and actually deciding to delve into paganism by proxy after associating it with scams for a long time (not falling for the 79 usd wicca crystals though!!). after that, it was actual mesopotamian mythology (which i managed to use for good on my billy and mandy ttrpg campaign, its a very cool culture!), and a bit of chaos magick. it was kinda fun, and i kept it as a side interest for the rest of the year, as well as 2024. except that OF COURSE 2024 had to throw me a curveball, and this curveball had to be a stupid anime boy character from a stupid mobile gacha idol game. at first, when i felt hurt over being gatekept by a FUCKING FICTIONAL CHARACTER and unable to ask questions, i doubled down on the occult and astrology and symbolism because i was already starting to get deep into it. i was watching lyrical nanoha at the time, and was mapping it like it were the fucking da vinci code, and also started to consider myself as kin with vita and that only got stronger upon shu reactance. actually if i wasnt at the time into cheren from pokemon, i could have become a yagami hayate waifuist at that time. except i didn't, because i felt like these feelings were "in the past" (read: i somehow didn't feel like making her an f/o) and id eventually fall out of love with cheren over the course of the months that followed. but anyways, i mentioned south park because it led me to pluto tv, and pluto tv led me to the NEXT show id obsess over as an attempt to heal the scar that shu left on me - INVADER ZIM. --- 01-22-2025 ========== NOW... LISTENING: RUSSIAN HARDSTYLE MIXES it was october 21st. i had dislocated my foot just minutes ago, and i desperately wanted to hide it from my mom at the time. senior year of high school was on its final term, and i honestly couldn't wait for it to end sooner. i STILL had the gatekeeping on my mind, but for now, i just wanted to go on plutotv and see if i could watch something. at that point, i found out the the plutotv nickelodeon channel had invader zim scheduled for, like... 9pm i think? i had heard of it a couple years ago, but didnt really get it back then. but apparently it was a classic among scene kids? idc, i just thought it was neat and thus i watched it at that hour. the episode in question was the christmas special, which i found exhilarating enough for me to spend the week that followed binging the show in PlutoTV, with me skipping a bit of class for Bolognus Maximus and enjoying of a 2 hour marathon the nickelodeon channel in PlutoTV did on my FreeBSD desktop (that was the first time i watched tak's episode...). at that time i was still very into the occult, and i even had some shitass article idea about invader zim and the age of aquarius that was very much "symbolism is everything" and that i was intending to post in november 19th 2024 but NEVER GOT AROUND TO EVEN **WRITING IT**. but anyways, why is invader zim important? well, aside from the fact that i hyperfixated on it hard enough for me to finish it in a week, finish my new years 2025 movie binge with enter the florpus (zim on the toilet was where i was by the time the clock stuck twelve), and start reading the comics (still halfway through the monthly run though...), and eventually actually get some merchandise... it involves two things that came out of it: one is my life as a teenage robot, which will become important later. the other one... is being fictionkin with gaz membrane.