txt me ^ January 19 26 Monday 9:40 A very inside day is ahead. I am facing things head on and drowning myself in electrolytes. Appppppparently my debilitating headaches has a cure?! and her name is electrolytes. (Yes, femme) I need to find a natural way to naturally bring up my levels.. idk. This .txt is getting lengthy... --- @teff there's a name for those long dresses? I have been trying to remember them for a minute. My mom has some but they are no wear items-lots of history. I was hopping to buy some, i remember them being extra comfy. I am an Aqua moon too!! and sun--and several other placements, stellium January 15 26 Thursday already... 01:36 finished an application let's hope I get it. idk tbh ik --- decided to not continue the semester, there, it was not a good fit--at all. 1yr is enough to know. I don't like being around people lamenting about not going to their dream school or wtvr, every 3rd person I met. even online. unhappy inside thoughts on blast, keep it inside. [Done complaining about complainers...] if anything I will not f up starting the next semester in spring or not at all. maybe something way different, lots of time to figure it out. --- @teff I love your lists! Aquarius here, I am not a loungewear person. Every Aquarius I know, also isn't. We have what I like to call, home clothes: not as nice outside clothes but not lounge wear. nothing with elastic. Would never be caught dead in loungewear. Unannounced visitors ask me if I am headed out because I am dressed up, at home. And Capricorn: is more of a whiteboard--the sillier ones tend to have the smaller handled ones. Or some sort of drawing tablet, like a Wacom. source: Capricorn exes. January 14 26 Wednesday 19:30 A star ☆ is an emotional circle ◯ On hiatus, from Meta, for a little bit. I'd like to start writing again with my hands--not typing. It's not the same. Scratched out words, misspellings, the entire experience of journal stacks taking up space. The irony of sharing this, here ... What is a friend, the other voice in my head questions. As their words reach my ears, you're my best friend. The pressure rises. I can feel my head tilt back to where the edge of the water brushes against my lower lip. My eyes narrow out of sight. Their words now in a chamber. December 30 25 Tuesday 03:23 Pain, is seeking clarity. in a hangnail begging attention. the cold air drifting about. a lesson learned. of the past. again. November 25 25 Tuesday 01:51 I read my writing that was lost in the weeds. I couldn't recognize my words. It was objectively good. Where do I keep this version of myself? She was around in May but what else was happening then. I wasn't online... so where was I? Breaking hearts, claiming souls. The embrace of pre-summer. Now, the dusky, short days are suffocating. There is nothing to grab a hold of. The air is dry and my lungs are bruised. Counting veins by hue: #097969 cadmium green, #702963 byzantium, and #0818A8 zaffre November 16 25 Sunday 23:04 Holding on tight, so tight it's cracking into jagged pieces. I won't let go, not now in vain. Tighter and then release. Broken. Sudden Relief. June 28 25 Saturday 02:57 #000 curious that's all. As close to Vantablack as it gets. same day 03:45 We are all sort of looking for something. To fill us, up, to take away the pain. Maybe remind, us, myself of who i was once. Before the rules solidified into congealed mess of responsibility. When the fuss was only play and spending time with friends. Not worried about autocorrect when passing notes back and forth in class. (Where's the note passing? What happened to the note passing!) Now it's emails drafted for tomorrow morning chock-full of red angry lines hungry for attention. I am hangry and nostalgic for what it is I am meant to do when I know I am meant for something and those moments only seem to make sense when it's currently happening. I suppose it's harder to remember those special moments when I'm busy, drowning, metaphorically. June 06 25 Friday 13:52 I am not property. June 01 25 Sunday 23:01 In the middle of assembling pizzas, I switched to nursing my phone as the countdown turned red with intent. Someone just bid higher... that was unexpected. 'But is it worth another max bid?' The euphoria of outbidding on eBay is unmatched. April 21 25 Monday 00:21 "I'm sorry I didn't reply; I was doing things." Once again, you're on my mind between songs and longing. Your face blurs as the distance holds. "Nights asleep, I'll try to dream of you." March 23 25 Sunday 23:23 recursive feelings March 08 25 Sat 23:56:21 4 8 15 16 23 42 I now spend the better parts of my day commuting. The quiet of the morning and slowdown of late evening are replaced by an urge to arrive. And feeling up in arms in a steady pace forwards chasing time backwards. On one of these travels, I read this on a stone curving: "The only boundary to learning is the scope of your vision and curiosity." There was more but that profoundly stood out of the all the other arrangements of words. Quickly approaching: Daylight Saving Time January 09 25 Thu 16:56:46 The silence of patience is deafening. December 23 24 Monday 00:56:56 two things can be true at once. Sohodolls' Bang Bang Bang Bang is playing August 13 24 ~ Tuesday 11:04:20 I broke the pattern. "I'm free" from the crippling repetitious cycle of lingering on the edge of completion. As if things being finished means it's over. The Light by Cate Le Bon & Group Listening -- instinctively plays in momentous sync. Suppose I'm at the right place at the right time. Or nowhere at all. Nowhere at all. August 05 24 Monday 22:38 I feel surprised. By how off and okay I am with things. This has been on my mind: "Don't trust me, you don't know that I can hurt you too" June 09 24 ~ Sunday 19:32 writing every day is changing my brain chemistry. in pen, digitally: in a private journal and publicly at the 'end of the day--typos and the kitchen skin.' Plus, here occasionally. At least two places daily for two weeks now. — In the afternoon, Papa and I walked through the neighborhood he showed me a home where the renters were kicked out because they tried to "game" the system. People seem nice and decent till their secrets are tossed publicly on display for all to see. A large half-human-sized teddy. A basketball hoop. A refrigerator that was once there. He'd seen the family earlier. Sad and picking through their things. ... All that's left is the bits of their life that they couldn't take with them--poor planning. May 29 24 ~ Wednesday Study, Memorize, Internalize May 27 24 ~ Monday, exactly 13:06 I went through a theatrical spin cycle ...com/letter/956083 Anonymity has been on my mind. I went on a late-night walk last night 22:00 and it felt good, dark but comforting. The park has an eerie feeling when no one is around. I kept thinking about a friend who loves night runs because it motivates her not to be kidnapped. May 21 24 Tuesday, nearing 23:30 I am inclined to think twice more than once. I know how it starts, I nipped it in the bud. I feel lost in a sea of words. After initially using depression as a way to get time for myself - I feel better now in the silence of my own company. Am I expected to return to how things were before? The company I kept. Expectations differ, differed. — That was what's been on my heart, this is now. Today: A light bulb went off when I heard, "Drive is more important than skill." I add to this 'So get it Done!' Mhm, this very moment. Keep going, lil Rockstar. — You can email me... May 17 24 Friday alone but not lonely we spoke only briefly Discord you said aptly 'I'm reformed' my reply for the better truly May 11 24 Saturday reflecting on "I miss you" It was Monday, first thing how did I come to say that now [my] family, familial meaning I can't describe. The semester ends and this starts again we've been here more than once — one too many times than I can count on myself on this on us April 18 24 Thursday My dreams are tormenting There are nearly too many faces that I meet It was never like this. I learned that the faces are ones I have seen before - Nothing I can fabricate in a dream state Nearly able to remember particular writing I always lose grip on them when I wake Tactfulness that's what I need before the depression decides to set in April 5 24 Friday I must be forgetting something. I have this feeling I can't shake. No, it's not my college application, I know about that - I've been putting it off. Could that be it?! There is a sickening feeling as everyone is scrambling. The lunar-solar eclipse is the talk of the town. This town? My down. A gift received: vinyl with a card The occasion none. But a reminder to not stress, as the small stuff, are well, small. March 15 24 Friday I wonder what it would take for things to fall into place. Would I recognize when that has happened? Or would the place I am in life completely different from the place I was when the wonder arose. Does destiny and place intertwine? And will I be okay and in place to receive and accept the nurture in place. Missing letters and building blocks of a place I dream of. In a palace someplace in place. 𓍼⋆