9.14 - Journal Entry Im not sure if it is the anhedonia or if that is even something I am experiencing, but I find it to be excrutiatingly difficult to tear myself away from the most vapid time wasting activities, mainly scrolling instagram. Clearly the reason for this is that in general my life lacks true direction and meaning, but also it is true that my capacity to feel strong positive emotions is blunted. Today, I did better in staying away from negative forum posts and reddit, I spent a lot of the day lying down, as the POTS was sort of bad, but I did try and stand and move around when I could. I was faced with the familiar feeling of being alone as the sun set in the house, and I was reminded of the many ways in my past that I have used consumption and creativity as a way to escape this feeling. The result of those activities ultimately resulting in what can be described as oblivion, wether it being flow state of pure embodiment, weed induced passivity, information overload through the internet interfaces, whatever. It is a goal of mine to better explore this sort of dark zone of my psyche and experience, and to get better at existing in this space. This has always been a issue of mine, and i suppose its not often come up in this way since I can just hang out with someone, or engage with the chosen oblivion of choice. I mean, prior to this all happening, I saw my task as the realignment of my choices of oblivions to different choices that I preferred from a higher functioning perspective. The temporary elimantion of the choices that I was pursueing is in part the reality I am mourning and reacting to. Time like all things is the key here. Obviously I need to find a way to incorporate people back into my life, it's especially important to me at the moment as my father is out of town on a business trip, and mother is working grueling hours, on her own accord as per usual so I am alone all the time. Another important conclusion I came to today is that I need to actively practice breathing exercises and other tools to calm my nervous system, and to just generally reframe my approach to recovery to one that is more patient, accepting and compassionate for myself, and one that is intrincally more confident that I will improve with time, as most people do. Given that it is so early in this stage and that I have recovered from my worst, I have reason to believe that with time and patience recovery will come. The thing I am really trying to exorcise from my body and soul is that very tool of "I have reason to believe". I do not want to be reasonable, I want to fully offer myself up to the believing, to believe without the reason to do so, to believe in it so wholeheartedly that it happens to come true. They say I need to remove my desire to improve, or to at least detach myself from it, but it lies at the bottom of the chain of ideas for any manuever, even the desire to remove the desire blossoms from the desire to be rid of the condition. I suppose it is mostly just a matter of reacting to what I recognize, when I can, which means that the game I need to play now is to recognize my negative thoughts in time, and effectively redirect them. So be it! Some things about my day that I enjoyed: I enjoyed speaking to Clive over IG. It was very nice of him to reach out and chat, and I found it interesting his eagerness to use ChatGPT in regards to medical issues. A similar observation happened with Jasmine too, both of them asian, one being moreso than the other, well I guess its sort of evened out in their appreciation for culture and their choices of partners ahhaha. Another thing I enjoyed today, was the three peaches I ate. They where the peaches I have been missing for the weeks of my healing, soft and slightly giving, yellow most importantly. "Like my chiding mothers skin" HAHAHAHA thats something my ******* would write. "Like my skin too". True. I am also enjoying writing this. Tommorow I have two doctors appointments, fit with 2 hours of driving or so. I hope it's not an issue. Life is such a dream. Sometimes, its good to be reminded that you can feel, even if it is the feeling of negation, of an empty house losing color from a setting sun, of a life just out of reach and the strong desire to be rid of, and to rid of that desire. Negative freedom and positive freedom are really so tragically incomparable, its a sick joke that they are forced together through the shared term. 7.16 is it or is it not frightening that when a common cuckoo lays its egg in the nest of an other birds brood its immediate post natal instinct is to eject the egg of the host by way of a writhing agony at seemingly nothing in particular yet brief flashes of a calculated persistence threaten to expose an intent bestowed upon the hatchling by god universe process mm maybe millenia compounded circumstance from the first blink of its conception the seizing and miscoordination of the hatchlings limbs demonstrating a battle between body and destiny the ever more intentional thrusts and scrapes being the triumph of destiny and the other eggs drop maybe into the water so those eggs hatch and those hatchlings are cradled and smothered their potential slowly drained or the other eggs broken onto the floor their potential blotted out in one dimension of instant but it seems oblique of a possiblity that such a creature could exorcise such dramatic act of will and power without even opening it's eyes to think of its encoding perhaps originating as a neural gasping of breath as they surface into sensory experience as babies and all babies babble and cry and bat but here perverted (or honed)into a peculiar set of motions that just happen to result in local massacre the biggest joke of all being the mother of those slaughtered children carries on knowing or not knowing the very mouth she feeds is the executor but with equal possibility the conclusion could be that the chick is born with the weight of it's bloodline compelling it to action where the first murmur of consciousness is the sweet whisper of duty or possibly revenge for some old crime against common cuckoo lineage by reed warblers and robins and is it or is it not frightening to think that it is a possibility that some shard of the structure that provides the newborn cuckoo the ability to either dance an accidental deadly dance or wage premeditated warfare could also exist in the brains of humans but reason should supersede any amount of this structure so that we are presumably blank slates from birth rather than clumsy maniacs or fetal hitman or at the least we can stop ourselves from pushing out the eggs of our reed warblers and robins peers as it would be unreasonable or irrational or emotional or inefficient or ridiculous or just stupid or maybe its more like a very thick blanket of snow where the structures are still visible underneath but things are more or less equalized but there is still terrain to be traversed and when you begin to furiously spin and laugh the terrain smears into lines and becomes the truth-world but then the spell breaks and you collapse and still laughing launch into snow angels or snowball fighting or building a snow house or just writhing around bravely and violently but contained just enough for onlookers to project a small part of themselves onto your ecstasy but still move on and walk away with a small smirk lingering on their faces starting once their back is fully turned as they try their best to demonstrate to some abstract all seeing audience that they in fact did revel third person in your behavior but not enough to be affected or even worse show teeth. 7.13 horses are being mined and forced into our view horsegirl horsegiirL horselords the healing power of horses horse jumper of love horse vision feeble little horse and unfortunately more and my father once told me that im like a grazing colt that needs to be lead by leash otherwise i would be aimless and i wonder if it is this exact battle between potential and agency, power and precision that is so seductive and the memory of horses as a sort of biological machine whose massive physical potential was so beautifully and terribly distilled into the essence of our movements and transformations and then all at once forgotten and the lead went flacid and now they toil as either accessory or aimless in the wild but really only in retrograde evaluation at least my feeling of the horse now exists in the shadow of the distilled functionality the horse once posed in that i can split the horse timeline of life into a time in which they where subjugated important servants singular and the conduit of all which was at the cusp of the New flow geyser of entrophy reversal on the green earth and a time now in which they remain strong but the strength shattered and dispersed the detritus we can only approximately sum and the feeling of that sum roughly equates to the power of just only one older realer horse that was once, and it is true that pockets of a meaningful horse life exist in deep isolation and abstraction maybe on a ranch that isnt particularly vital or important to anything anymore or of a willfully antiquated sect of people and we have lost something similar where are our structures and centers we may desire a master or a special vitality the absence of which we willingly and rapaciously discarded with the image of wild horses in our crosshair and the victory of the wild horse is that it does roam and run and eat and fuck and scream as it once did so we ignite the desire that the benign strength of the horse is the benign* strength of us all and we do remain vital but that vitality has been shattered and dispersed the detritus has reified and shards have grown into 1000000 little stables and there are leads attached from all of us and the leads are heavy handed with whips and saddles and spurs but no particular people to move or carriage to drive 12.25 if i could exorcise all sexuality from my psyche form it into a small dense ball and shoot it through the barrel of a gun against a mirror so that it ricochets through my head and pierces all reality abstractions and world constructions and puts them out of their misery and then flies out of the other side of that tunnel and aerosolizes into practically air and leaves me feeling light and focused and free and sexless i would really consider it.