13. Today was a day closer to old times for me. I used to subsist on those things, like old smells and dejavú, at this point it’s almost nauseating to imagine how much i lived through that. Maybe that’s drugs lol. I hiked, walked and sneered happily through loose teeth and wandering eyes with two others that can walk in lock step fairly well with me. It almost eclipsed the suffering wheel that creeps on the hour and the minute. I have become more honest with it, as time goes on, maybe driven by my bloody screams and grasping hands that have grazed the void at times. Once i vowed never again i have a mass in my head that condenses space like the sand behind an etch a sketch, erasing lines that have been drawn far too easily, like it was so simple all along to just nudge the thumb in this way or that to make the right depths and rhythms for this masterpiece. I want to be more spiritual. That’s hard, since it involves becoming a disciple in some way of some thing and i sort of loathe that these days. I can’t bring myself to be a disciple on my own accord and merit, it must always be in relation to, the rest or another, always. I want to be my own creature, but that high ropes trail along this void sounds no easier than before, and now i must know better yes? I have a new voice aside me now, and oh it is warm. I couldn’t handle it at first, and that knee jerk reaction still bubbles up, amplifying the voice of class and struggle that whisper to me oh so sweetly to convince me i should pick up the fork and blind my eyes to desire. That’s the devil right, or have I learned nothing from my lack of education. 3/13 i felt bad that one afternoon cold and guilty, wrapping a response through a sieve of pity i suffer every day and that suffering crawls out as retaliation to world and life to innocent principle and having done right what masochism can’t you see in me i see it i push and twist like i can’t believe there isn’t you say ‘but why would there be’ and there it is the radiating sun it almost changes the form i’m made up of and no words are left to give back this gift that’s why im always sorry you have it in you and the sun feels so good 3/2 nobody can tell when i’m down and out i have been i pour the champagne and wine to friends out for a very good time my eyes click into position to wait for your grin oh i’ve been down and out i know ive had no space to slow down the dollar sits in front of me ain’t got one penny see i just cant let go again just as soon as ya get up i want to be on my feet again i may have not cared with my money before and now i can’t let go before i see your grin i won’t see you down and out i just won’t have it 2/10 hey have you guys ever shivered with questions and stared into your mirror for answers and sat there itching and figuring for shapes so you pop and scream fling the mirror to the floor and feel the fever shatter open to the ground and pant and pant then lie still and so you stare at the shards while the sound fades and notice the forms you had on the brink of imagination sitting just out of frame of where you were looking before and a great pain falls back over you one in totality and now it makes no sense at all to have broken the mirror in the first place has that ever happened to you? ❀❀❀ ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{}{}{}{}{}{]{][}[]{}[]}{}{]{}{}{][}{}][}}[{}{}{[][}{}{[][{}{}[]{}{}{{}] listening to: (favs - ❀) la bruja - victor martinez ❀ Everybody’s checking out someone around the neighborhood - bug davies The Lady Has No Heart - St. Elmo’s Fire ❀ rain when possible enjoying the silence (but like fr tho…)