MAY 5.6.2024 [1:56 p.m. - an unpleasing time] - i've been quite productive so far today but i don't feel like i have anything going on. hoping to start on my new story later and eat some kimchi rice with an egg for lunch. the year is almost over the year is almost over. my eyes hurt all the time ... 5.5.2024 [4:08 p.m.] - beautiful gay sunday with my girlfriend. brunch and a walk and *** ******** ** and then i took a shower and ate lunch and we just got ice pops from the korean grocery and now we're about to write... listening to car seat headrest. using the old material of nostalgia and mixing it with new emotion. ... 5.4.2024 [5:46 p.m.] - feeling much much better. finished my first draft of my gross worm story!! quite pleased to have finished it. i have a headache again because i've been squinting to be able to see the screen. need to contacts asap. 5.4.2024 [2:45 p.m.] - forgot to take my pills and feeling disjointed and unsatisfied. i'm irritated with the cold air blowing on me, the grossness of this kitchen, the lack of interesting things to do on this computer, the amount of time before i get to go home, and on and on. ... 5.3.2024 [9:47 a.m. - weird number again!] - feeling peculiar and unoccupied. i want answers about what's coming next and preferably simple but enjoyable tasks to do now, but i don't have either of these things..... perhaps i will get started on the second part of my girlfriend's birthday present today.... i have some good ideas for it. another create. i need to create a website. a portfolio for my writing. it's a bit silly not to start gathering everything in one place at this point-- at least my manywor(l)ds, my sans. press, and my carrion should be collected together. perhaps also i'll submit tornado season somewhere. maybe that'll be an activity for right now. i hate being in publication mode.... i love being in publication mode.... rahh ... 5.2.2024 [11.36 a.m. - weird number] - very exciting day.... my big publication news i feel absolutely silly with delight..... about to have two job interviews which is quite peculiar but. so it goes. trying to get things settled for next year. feeling good!! another warm day with big fluffy clouds. ... 5.1.2024 [11:00 a.m.] - it really seems like my professors have given up lol.... my morning class got canceled once i was already there and my 3:00 p.m. got canceled just now. so i have two classes today. and then one class tomorrow and one class the next day and it's the weekend again. taking five classes i've had a few really intense weeks out of nowhere but i still have a lot of time where i'm not actually doing anythinggg and it makes me feel a little hollow and anxious. the summer will be nice. i need it to be summer. beginning to think about packing up. it'll be strange seeing my storage-locker ass room all empty. seemed so full of possibility when i moved in. i feel like a more solidified person now, probably for the best. the thing i miss the most now that i had at the beginning of the year is i could drink pretty much freely then. we'll see where that goes. ohhhh the inconvenience of having people who love you. i could just moan on and on about it. ....................... APRIL summary 30. i think sometimes i pin stuff on 'i need to go home' when i'm feeling a wider sense of not belonging/being satisfied with/resting anywhere. as if school is where i have my real life and home is a dreamland. i feel when people talk about loneliness they think of it as an abstract, reaching thing, like a mist coming off one's body, but with me it's concrete, a feeling like something crumpled up inside me trying to unfold but there's not enough room. 28. i think i want to quit smoking but it's hard. i'm not used to having someone caring about me like my girlfriend does-- sometimes it feels kind of constraining. 26. i'm so sick of getting paid and finding it's less than i expected. destroyer is great music for people who wish david bowie was still alive. 25. interesting talk in cinema class damaged by the fact that the people in that class are like legitimately stupid. reddit cat image is there any way to make my cinema class smarter because they are actually a different level of stupid. anyone know what i'm referencing? 24. i am telling my friends that my symptom is i feel no light in my heart, which is true, but materially i am just very much ill in the physical sense, less so mentally. no dreams last night-- took nyquil before i went to bed. i could totally become dependent on nyquil if that felt of interest. 23. had another sex dream about someone i'm not interested in. i wonder what the purpose of that is supposed to be.