8.5.26 in a period of boredom and rest. doing physical therapy and trying to take care of my body. the world is so awful right now, so i'm trying to pay attention to the little moments of mercy. i am blessed, and i have to remember that every second of every day. my novel is at 57,000 words now, and i have sent it off to friends to read it and give me feedback. it is complete minus an ending. this period is hard because whenever i am bored i tend to obsess over whoever i am in love with. at the moment it's someone who does not love me back. that's painful, but i'm trying to make the most of it. i just want someone to be alone with. i know i'll be happy again soon, but the fact is that right now i am sad. and there's nothing i can do to make that sadness go away completely. i can alleviate it momentarily, but i can't do away with it. oh well! 3.15.2026 #8ba2d0 six years since my last entry. in that time, i've transitioned, gained weight, grown older, quit smoking, and moved states approximately six times. i was one of the first users on this site, i'm realizing! in the second screenshot on the "about" page, you can see my former username, "pinkskies." i'm in a fiction writing mfa program now, and i feel my chronic future-mindedness beginning to pay off. "i'm excited for the future," i wrote in my last entry, dated 3.10.20. i wrote that the day after quarantine was announced. quarantine was when i started my novel in earnest. i wrote the first few paragraphs at seventeen, but it wasn't until more than two years later, in the madness of quarantine, that i began to cling to it like a life raft. now, it's at 44,000 words, almost done, almost born. i can't believe it. i almost cried tonight watching an episode of bob's burgers. it was season 15, episode 8. it was recommended to me by a friend who also has a sister. they told me it made them cry. i watched it for the first time about six months ago and i did cry. i sent them a selfie of me crying at the time. rewatching it tonight, i did feel a prick in my eyes, but it wasn't as painful. my sister and i have reconnected recently. i love her so much. lately i've been doing a lot of freewriting, from a book called 365: prompts, acts, divinations. it's by lucy ives. i really like it so far. it's freeing me up, quieting my inner critic momentarily. i want to publish some of that writing here, but i'm kind of against publishing fiction for free online these days. it's either good, in which case i would want to publish it in a real journal eventually, which means i can't publish it online; or it's bad, in which case why would i publish it? i think i am lonely, even though there are a lot of people who love me. right now i'm at my desk, looking at all the scraps of paper i have pinned up. photo booth strips, notes from friends, polaroids, christmas cards. proof that i'm liked, and loved. it feels almost defensive. i just noticed that, like in my last entry, i just ate some popcorn and some chocolate. 3.10.20 today has good numerology. it is 1:45 am so it's only technically the 10th. to me it still feels like the 9th. i'm happy right now. i just ate some popcorn and some chocolate. i just facetimed a friend. i'm pleasantly high. i wrote a lot today and enjoyed the sunshine. i'm excited for the future.