10.8.25 https://youtu.be/3qoqGtjTKhg the city of Denver has a few train and light rail stations named after the area's historical ties to mining, but the names they chose are hilariously blunt. "Mineral Station." my job(s) are going well but the software testing one is frustratingly antediluvian, requires specialized hardware and contradictive security measures, and the pay is low. bringing in enough income to support myself has lifted a fog of worry that has kept me stunted the last year which is good, but a new fog of unfulfillment and uncertainty regarding my life's trajectory is starting to smother me. maybe it's my hormones, a lack of restful sleep, some kind of mold. my emotions feel stunted despite repeatedly finding myself in very unrestrictive opportunities and living situations. i want to capitalize on it this time, whether it's related to gender-affirming care, studying habits, returning to school, or taking a risky move for a new job. i took my Mom to the Getty Villa museum in Pacific Palisades, CA after its re-opening from damage sustained by the horrible fires last year. she was really taken by the ancient chalcedony pendants and rings. i got to re-visit my favorite bronze mirror with a smiling medusa visage on the back. it rained the entire time we were in Los Angeles. 9.9.25 https://youtu.be/N363UWyXHa0 i am working in a design and communications role, and waiting to start another job as a software automation tester. i hope the former becomes full-time soon, as i admire my co-workers and enjoy what i do. it would also afford me the mix of structure and freedom i'm craving. i have very little direction in life, and even less regarding career. i only know the things i am good at, the things i enjoy doing, and the kind of people i want to work with. recently i have identified concerning, repeating patterns in my life. these feed my self-doubt and often impede my progress in most areas of study, self-improvement, and creative expression. it manifests as anxiety and unwarranted guilt, and often causes me to act in ways that highlight insecurities: an underlying desire to be accepted, and to seek validation from obscure sources. i have always been a very anxious and self-conscious person and often operate at one of two extremes: manic and high-strung, or in a dissociated burnt-out recovery fugue. it has been a difficult task, but i am slowly learning how to be more present. barring unforeseen circumstances, i am volunteering to clean at a local buddhist temple next week.