01/05/2024 The difference between Dutch culture and British culture can be explained by looking at the anatomy of the toilet. In English toilets your shit falls straight into the water. We don't need to see any of that. Our business is none of our business. But the opposite it true in the Netherlands. Dutch toilets are shaped to catch your shit so you can inspect it before you flush. Because here, everything is your business. They be poking their noses into everyone's business. 29/04/2024 I woke up to my dog howling and my pillow lit up by the moon. I climbed out of bed to soothe her (my dog) – she was spooked by the leaves of a plant which had cast a gnarly shape on the wall. We cuddled and she sighed, fell into a slumber. By then it was 4 am and I couldn't sleep. When I did, I dreamt I was wading through a pond to reach you at the other side. Your face was a murky smudge, my chest full of sorrow. But this is just a story about how I should get curtains. 12/04/2024 A STORY Small-minded Alfred was torn. It wasn’t a question of whether the dish could be improved, but rather a matter of principle. This was a man who sliced his carrots horizontally, if you know what I mean. Thin circular disks, the old-fashioned way. Yesterday, Alfred overheard his niece explaining that the protein in lentils activates only if cooked with rice. “And who told you that? A grain of rice?” (saying this he feels smug). Hovering by the sink, Alfred paws at his neck tie and slides the top button of his shirt through the slim, starched button hole. No. Tonight it’ll be lamb shanks. Silverware! 12/04/2024 A TRUE STORY When I was about 10 years old I took a long-haul flight. There was a technical problem with the network so only a few films were available to watch on-board. The only film that appealed to me as a 10 year old was Shrek. So I watched Shrek 7 times B2B and ever since I have had the theme tune stuck in my head. Not like, in the foreground (there is space for other songs to get stuck in my head too), but every day at some point the melody will clamber from the depths of my subconscious and whisper its tune in my ear. Every day for 22 years, can you even imagine. If you'd like me to hum or sing it to you I'd be happy to.